Throat Anatomy courtesy of A.D.A.M.I left his office in a trance. I drove home in a trance, almost wrecking the car a couple of times. My only thought was, "No, no, no, way are they going to cut my throat open, and no way are they going to turn me into a freak." I got home and called my children and told them what the doctor had said. I also told them I'd decided not to have the surgery. They naturally had a fit and said, "Yes, you are!" I informed them it was my life and my decision.
My oldest son and his wife drove 500 miles to my home to talk me into having the surgery. My daughter-in-law started crying and said, "Mom, I can't believe you don't want to see your future grandchildren."Well, I think that's what did it, because after I thought about it, I couldn't sleep that night. I realized how selfish I was. I knew I was not ready to leave this world without seeing my grand babies. My greatest wish was to be a grandma. I decided to go back and talk to the doctor. The kids went with me, and on December 24, 1996 (Christmas Eve), I had a complete laryngectomy. Nice Christmas present wasn't it?
When I woke up in intensive care, the first thing I recall is seeing my youngest son holding my hand with his head resting on the bed rail, crying so hard he was sobbing. I naturally opened my mouth to console him but nothing came out. I felt so helpless. I wanted so badly to assure him everything was going to be okay, and I couldn't say a word. My voice was gone. Forever.
That must have been a horrible sight, seeing your mother lying there with her throat cut nearly ear to ear.
All because of tobacco addiction.
After I got out of the hospital, I had home nurses and a speech therapist come to my home to help me. I didn't know anything about the laryngectomy I had just had or about being a laryngectomee. This was all new to me. The first thing was to learn how to care for myself. There was the feeding tube, hooked up through my nose, and learning to clean the trachea site (hole in my neck). One day I was fine, the next I'd cry all day. I was on an emotional roller coaster. I had a speech therapist who came to my home to teach me how to talk with an instrument called an electro-larynx. She took it out of the box, put the battery in it, and showed me how to use it. She told me to sit in front of a mirror and practice until I could be understood. As soon as she left, I took the battery out, packed it back in the box and said to myself, "I'm not about to use that silly-sounding thing to talk. I wouldn't be caught dead talking with that thing."Still suffering in silence, all because of tobacco addiction.We set up a tapping signal on the telephone so I could answer questions and call for help if I needed to. One tap was "no," two taps meant "yes," etc. My daughter and granddaughter called me from out of state, and they would ask questions and talk and I would tap. When we got ready to hang up, I started crying. I tapped 1-2-3 and my daughter said "I love you too, Mom." I'll never forget how devastated I felt that I couldn't even tell my kids I love them. All because of tobacco addiction.
After I got off the phone, I opened the box, put the battery back in and started to practice. As soon as I thought my kids would be able to understand me, I called them all and told them I loved them, and they all understood me. To this day, I hate using talking with that device. I'd much rather have my old voice back, but it is gone forever...all because of tobacco addiction.
Then came 33 radiation treatments--as if the cut throat, feeding tubes, medications, and silly-sounding speaking devices weren't enough. Getting through all the radiation treatments was a real test of strength for me. More than once I sat in my car after a treatment and cried before I could put the key in the ignition and start the car (I prayed a lot too). But my children constantly reassured me that I could make it. How I did, I don't know, but I did. I have adjusted for the most part to my new way of life. Every day I think about it; it never leaves your mind. I am so lucky because I'm alive. A lot of people -- approximately 50 an hour -- are dying because of tobacco addiction. Speaking of being lucky, in 1999, we were invited by the American Lung Association to represent them at the Second Wind Lung Transplant Convention in St. Louis. I talked to people who were in wheelchairs with oxygen tanks strapped to their backs and tubes running up their noses. They were some of the nicest people I've ever met. I talked at length about their problems, my problems, etc.I learned that most of them had smoked, and most of them were on a waiting list for a lung transplant. Well I'm ashamed to admit that up until this point I had felt sorry for myself. I came home from that convention a much more thankful person and life means so much more to me now. I'm alive, and my name is not on a waiting list for life!
I am sure my story is pretty close to, if not exactly like, many others before and after me. That's why it's important that we educate as many children as we can about the dangers and terrible consequences of tobacco.
If you are a child and you are reading my story, please stop and really think about what you are doing to harm yourself before you use a tobacco product, because I really do care about you.
Marlene Today: An Update
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