What would tomorrow be like? What would I feel like? What would I do with my hands? Today, looking back over the past year, this is what I see.
I was sitting at my dear friend's funeral, which I reflected on in my six month milestone. He died from complications of lung cancer. It was a very sad day.I was grateful I had quit smoking.
I was in sunny California. The past two months I had been flaky, sleepless, forgetful; a little mad and a little sad. At one point my husband asked me if I should really be driving a car! I had also been busy reading and learning all I could about smoking cessation. I changed routines that held triggers, and I was trying my hardest to practice positive thinking until it would come naturally. Basically, I was making quitting tobacco my job!I think it took the first two months for what was in my head to get to my heart. I walked and walked and breathed in the beautiful air. I began to notice I could smell and taste again. My hair and skin looked better...everything was improving. The best change I noticed was that I was beginning to feel "free" and I was loving it. I felt like Mary Tyler Moore when she throws her hat in the air.
I was grateful I had quit smoking.
My friend May came to Nashville to visit her daughters. When she arrived, she was sick with what we thought was a chest cold. In a matter of days, she had seen the doctors, had a diagnosis and was getting ready for the fight of her life...she had lung cancer.I sat with May and her daughters after their initial grueling day at the Sarah Cannon Cancer Center. I listened as they told me that the worst part of the whole day was not being poked and prodded; it was not having to hurry up and wait to see doctor after doctor; it was not setting up the chemo and radiation. The worst thing of all was having to answer the question, "Did you smoke and for how long" over and over again at each stop. Her daughters told me it was excruciating to have to hear their mom say the words, "Yes, I smoked for 35 years"...and listen as she was forced to repeat the words, many times over, that described why, more likely than not, she was facing this life threatening illness.
I was grateful I had quit smoking.
I was looking forward to Christmas, my first smoke-free holiday in 37 years. WOW, what would that be like? My ickie threes had come a little late and were definitely making their presence known. I was busy shopping, planning, cooking, wrapping, 'Tis the Season, Oh the Joy! The old me would have rewarded myself with a cigarette after each task; it was a favorite time. Smoke, sit back, look at what I had done and think about what I was going to do. Well, I couldn't do that anymore.I think the stress, the fatigue of overdoing, and the sheer physical and mental exhaustion of dealing with my quit exploded on Christmas Day! We were going to my mother's house, which was about an hour away. I wanted to drive myself in my own car. At this point I was not fit for human consumption and I wanted to be alone. Once in the car and driving down I-24, I had this thought: I could smoke and nobody would know. I pulled off the exit and there I sat in the Mapco parking lot digging through my purse looking for money.
All of a sudden, the nonsmoking slogans ran through my brain; the information in red ran thru my brain. Forum member Betty Blossom's soothing words and beautiful face ran through my brain; my fellow August ash kickers and the morning nope pledge ran through my head. I began to cry. I am crying now thinking about what I believe was a defining moment in my quit.
I was grateful I had quit smoking.
...were pretty uneventful. I was beginning to realize that the joy might just be in this journey. I was quitting smoking, but I was also growing as a person. I was calmer, more confident, and stronger. I was even beginning to appreciate the hard times of my quit. I recognized that after each "learning period," I was rewarded with a growth spurt and more feelings of true peace.I was grateful I had quit smoking.
